


but it feels like home

by queenofglass



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-16
Updated: 2012-03-16
Packaged: 2017-11-02 01:40:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofglass/pseuds/queenofglass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the summer of 1977, the Wizarding world is very much at war. In Cokeworth, Lily Evans prepares to cut herself off from magic completely, but a visit from the Marauders might be enough to change her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but it feels like home

_My room is too small_.

Lily paused, her quill hovering over the parchment. A drop of ink landed over her words, blotting them out. She pushed both objects away and turned from the desk.

Her room was a mess, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. She always kept her dormitory at Hogwarts immaculate—it was only polite, after all—but the room in Cokeworth was in a constant state of disorder. The walls were a shocking pink, the bed tiny. The window was the only clean thing about the whole room, which she kept clear with a wave of her wand.

But it was too small.

Lily stood. She wasn’t nearly tall enough to touch the ceiling, but in three strides, she reached the door. She went back and forth, puzzled by this change. When did this expansive hall become a smaller than a cupboard?

 _I’m too big_.

The thought struck her more than the first. Sometime between eleven and seventeen, she outgrew this room. She flew away from the nest and returned to find it the same. _She_ was the one that changed.

Her trunk rested underneath the window, while her cauldron swallowed a quarter of the living space. The Wizarding world seemed determined to capture her attention, no matter how hard she tried to ignore it.

Abruptly, almost without thinking, Lily grabbed her knapsack and threw in a handful of clothes. After she stuffed her arms through a light sweater, she picked up her wand and left the house.

There was no one around to call her back. Her parents were in the country for the weekend, while Petunia was out with a few women from work.

Though her isolation was self-inflicted, she felt very lonely. When Lily arrived home at the beginning of the holidays, the _Daily Prophet_ was a normal fixture in her life. Every morning, there was a new disappearance, death, or attack on Muggle-borns. Meanwhile, the telly reported the mounting crime rate within the country, often with mysterious circumstances. To her shock, the two worlds she straddled were slowly bleeding into one.

Lily let her feet lead the way. She found herself wandering by the river. It had never been clean, even when she was young. Yet again, she was reminded of Hogwarts. Though her early years at the school were happy, the last two had been the darkest of them all. The shadow of war had fallen over every facet of wizarding society.

She found a perch above the river and sat down. Lily stared into the dark water, feeling, for the first time, lost. The Wizarding world was being torn apart by civil war, while the Muggle one had no place for her. She was doomed to drift between them, with no place to rest.

These attitude wasn’t new. Not this summer. Slowly, inch by inch, Lily started to retreat from magic. She hated it every step of the way. But she felt there was no choice. Her seventh year at school became a distant, unattainable goal. The price was too high.

Lily wrote to the _Daily Prophet_ and canceled her subscription. She watched unopened letters pile up on her desk. She had a lot of friends, and they were faithful, sending word every week. Lily wondered if the magical world would miss her if she never came back. By the way things were headed, it probably wouldn’t. Muggle-borns faced terror and violence every single day. She wasn’t a special case.

Though she received an O in Astronomy, the sky was too difficult to read. It had been early when she left the house, and in her haste, she forgot a watch. Sighing, she leapt off her perch and started down the way she came. Running away wasn’t an uncommon solution, but perhaps not the best one for her right now.

On the journey home, she passed half a dozen signs for missing children. Their school portraits and smiles were yellowed and torn by recent storms. Something about that made her sad. The war, like it or not, was slowly consuming every innocent in its path. The violence was senseless and unnecessary. Lily wondered if one day, her portrait might hang on a street corner, and if anyone would look twice.

As she approached the house, the grip on her wand grew tight. The lights in the sitting room were still on, but both cars were missing. Her family hadn’t returned yet, but someone was there. Waiting for her. A group of them, prowling about outside. Her heart leapt into her throat.

“I’m telling you, she’s not here!”

“Shut it, you’ll wake up the Muggles!”

Lily paused. _There was something familiar about that voice_ . . . Nevertheless, she took a deep breath and raised her wand. “ _Expelliarmus!_ ”

One of the figures cursed. “Oi! Is that Evans?”

“Sirius?” she asked, picking up the disarmed wand. “Is that you?”

With something resembling a human stampede, Lily was engulfed by all four of the Marauders. James, whose embrace was tight but welcome; Sirius, who let his hands wander before she slapped them away; Remus, who kissed her forehead, and Peter, who waved cheerfully.

Strangely, she felt tears in her eyes. “What are all of you doing here?”

“Looking for you, of course,” James answered, while the other three nodded. “We thought something bad had happened. Why didn’t you answer our letters?”

“Let’s go inside,” Lily said softly, feeling her heart soar. “I’ll put the kettle on.”

———

Lily waited patiently until the boys were finished marvelling over Muggle inventions before she gathered them around the table for tea. ( _“That’s a toaster, and no, don’t touch it!”_ )

“So what’s with the solitary confinement?”

She raised her eyebrows at Sirius, whose reference was pretty apt for a pureblood wizard. He shrugged.

“I dunno,” she murmured, squirming under all four gazes. “I got tired of the fighting, I guess. I don’t want to open the _Prophet_ and see my friends splashed across the obituaries. I don’t want to read about bigots debating over my personhood, just because of my _birth_. I don’t want to fight any longer; I’m tired.”

“If you’re talking like that,” Remus began. “They’ve already won.”

“It’s my choice keep a low profile,” she argued. “That’s not winning, not yet.”

James, who had been very quiet, spoke. “You’re afraid; no one is refuting that. You have reason to be, and no one is refuting that, either. But shutting off communication from those who care about you isn’t the way to do it.”

“I don’t want you— _any_ of you,” she stressed. “To risk everything for me. That was my whole point. I removed myself from the equation. It’s safer this way, trust me.”

“Hogwarts is the only safe place anymore,” Peter squeaked. “Please, Lily. Don’t drop out.”

“What about inside the walls? I’m not so naive to assume that there aren’t Hogwarts students who believe the bullshit propaganda.”

“They wouldn’t dare do anything,” Sirius said suddenly.

“Why is that?”

He stared. “Didn’t you get your—oh right, you don’t answer the post.”

“What are you talking about, Black?”

He pointed at James. “This tosser got himself promoted to _Head Boy_. Believe that? Yeah, neither did I.”

James flushed. “It’s because of that . . . _mishap_ , and you know it.”

 _Ah, the Severus prank gone terribly wrong_ , she thought, but avoided that topic. Instead, she asked, “What’s that got to do with me? No offense, James. Congratulations.”

Sirius grinned. “Dumbledore made you Head Girl.”

“Now you have to go back,” Peter piped up, and the other three chuckled.

“Don’t joke,” she warned. “I wouldn’t ignore a Hogwarts letter.”

“Maybe you thought the owl was one of ours,” James shrugged. “Go on, take us to your stash.”

“You all can stay here,” she corrected him. “The last thing I need is for one of you to find my knickers and hang them in the common room.”

As she climbed the staircase, she heard a yell, “It wouldn’t be the first time!”

———

“Ten points to Gryffindor,” Lily sighed when she found them in the living room. “You were right.”

“So, what’s it gonna be?”

She glared. “I don’t know, _Sirius_. I’m not going to make my decision right now.”

“Okay, _Lily_.”

Lily ignored him and faced the others. “I suppose you lot need a place to stay tonight?”

Remus smiled. “That’d be great, Lily. Thanks.”

“Yeah, thanks Evans.”

While the boys converged on the telly, determined to figure out how it worked, Lily wandered toward the kitchen. She placed the letter gently on the counter and began to wash their mugs. Her wand lay discarded on the table, but she didn’t mind. The Muggle chore was familiar and soothing.

“Need some help?”

She smiled. “I’ll wash, you dry.”

Lily and James worked in silence, and she was grateful. It was obvious that their earlier conversation wasn’t finished, but shelving it for the night seemed like the best idea.

“My mum will go nuts over this,” she sighed when they finished, examining the badge. Upon her elevation to prefect, Mrs. Evans had baked a cake. Lily wondered what this news would bring.

“Mine did,” he laughed. “And my dad almost wrote to Dumbledore, asking if it was a mistake.”

She caught herself staring and blushed. “So your summer’s been good, yeah?”

“Pretty good,” he agreed, but sobered immediately. “I wish you wrote me; I was worried.”

“I missed you,” she confessed. Her thoughts wandered to their last moment together before the holidays. “I missed everyone.”

James studied her for a moment. He had grown again, a few inches this time, so she had to tilt her head to see his eyes. She watched the irises darken and felt a tug in her belly. Before Lily knew what was happening, she felt herself leaning forward.

“Oi, Evans! Your blasted Muggle television won’t work.”

Lily sighed. “I’ll be right there!”

She moved to walk around him, but James caught her arm. “Lily—”

She squeezed his hand for a moment. “We’ll talk later. When the animals are asleep.”

He grinned.

———

Peter snoozed in her father’s armchair, his chest covered by an old copy of _Vogue_. The other two were sharing the loveseat. Sirius was snoring on Remus, who in turn was blowing smoke rings toward the ceiling. Lily stood and James followed, quietly.

“This house must be like a closet compared to yours,” she whispered as they climbed the stairs.

“I like it,” he whispered back. “Without the rest of the boys to run around with, the manor can get lonely.”

Before they reached her room, she pressed a hand to his chest. “Hold on, Potter. I have to clean up.”

“Worried I’ll find your diary?”

She made a face. “No, but it’s very messy. I’ll just be a minute.”

With a path cleared and clothes shoved in the closet (and her diary hidden under the mattress), she opened the door. James entered the room slowly, as if waiting for an explosion to go off. He smirked.

“I didn’t realize you liked pink.”

“ _I_ don’t, but five year old me did.”

“I see. Why don’t you change it? A Colour-Change Charm should be enough.”

Lily touched the nearest wall, smiling fondly. “This room always stays the same. It’d be a crime to change it now.”

She sat at her desk and watched apprehensively. James moved with care through the room, mindful that his height was against him. He pondered the posters of Muggle bands, studied the unmoving pictures on her end table, and finally plopped down on her bed.

“Only you and Pete could sleep on this,” he grumbled.

She laughed. “Only Pete, I think. My feet dangle off the edge.”

“So is that the lot of them?” James asked, when their laughter lapsed into silence. He nodded toward the pile of unopened letters, bleached yellow by the sun.

Lily shifted uncomfortably. “Yes.”

“I can’t remember how many I sent you,” he admitted. “It just became a habit, I guess.”

She glanced toward the pile and searched until she found the oldest one. He had sent it only a week after she arrived home. Feeling his eyes on her, she slit it open and began to read.

_Dear Lily,_

_Hope your holidays are going okay. I can’t believe it’s been a week since the King’s Cross; summer days sort of blend together, don’t they? Sirius has officially moved into his own flat, but he’s at the manor almost all the time. Remus and Pete stop by every day, and we’ve been Apparating all around the countryside. Are you free? We were thinking of hopping across the Channel for a few days. We could even invite Marlene and Dorcas, if you like. Nothing like a great summer before our last year._

_Hope you’re well,_

_James_

She looked up, pleased. James was toying with her stuffed bear, tapping it with his wand. He seemed to be avoiding her eyes now. Lily reached for the next two envelopes.

Both were very much the same as the first. Cheery anecdotes about the Marauders and their adventures. Invitations to the manor. Sign-offs that became increasingly intimate. Her hands were soon full of his words, feelings he couldn’t say now, even when they were alone.

_Lily,_

_Still haven’t heard from you. I understand. It was just a goodbye kiss, I guess. I thought we both felt something, but that was wishful thinking._

_See you,_

_James_

Finally, the last letter, dated three days ago, was frantic.

_Lily,_

_Jenny Clearwater’s been reported missing. She only lives an hour away from you, and all of us are really worried. If you don’t answer by Friday, we’re coming there._

_James_

“I didn’t even know about Jenny,” she murmured, trying to envision the pretty fifth year. _She’s a Ravenclaw, Muggle-born, and cleverer than I’ll ever be._ “Has there been any news?”

“No,” James said gravely. “The _Prophet_ said the whole house has been sacked, but there wasn’t a Dark Mark in sight. We think the family picked up and left.”

She hated to change the subject, but she still held the second-to-last letter. She reread it and felt the old feelings begin to bubble and froth under her skin, and this time, she couldn’t bury them.

“It wasn’t just a goodbye kiss,” Lily burst out. “Not to me.”

James stared. “It wasn’t?”

She rose from her chair and sat on the edge of the bed. _I thought we both felt something, but that was wishful thinking_ , he had written. She paused, trying to find the words.

“I guess the war isn’t the only thing I’ve been running from,” Lily said finally. “It was childish, but . . . I don’t know, we spent so much time together last year, and I thought we were good friends. Then I suddenly felt much more than that, and I’ve never . . .”

“You never . . . ” James prompted, when the silence stretched too long.

“I fought them,” she finished. “The feelings, I mean. I thought if I pretended they weren’t there, they’d just go away. But that didn’t happen, and we were alone on the train . . . ”

“We were reading about Ben Goldstein,” James recalled, reaching for her hand. Automatically, she laced their fingers together. “How he tried to save his family from the Death Eaters.”

“Yeah. I told you I cared about you and I meant it. Still do.”

“Then we kissed,” James smiled. It was the happiest he looked since the kitchen. “The only thing I’ve been dreaming about since fourth year.”

She snickered. “Surely not the only thing?”

“Well, other than playing for the Ballycastle or Puddlemore, yeah.”

Lily felt shy. “Say we try again?”

“If you insist.”

There was something exciting—and terrifying, if she had to admit it—about kissing James Potter like this, in her room. Lily harbored no fears about getting physical, and wondered what would happen if they did right now. He tasted like cigarette smoke and the tea she brewed earlier, which she found to be irresistable. James used his long frame to his advantage and pulled her close, shifting so they were side-by-side.

“Are you—”

“Are we—”

“I don’t know,” she breathed, and they both had to laugh again. A feverish sensation had swept through her.

James leaned against the wall, stowing the pillow behind his head. “I mean, as much as I want this—because I do! I do. I’m only thinking . . . is it supposed to be now?”

“Well . . . ” she paused. “I would like to, you know, date you. And I’d prefer the guys not to be downstairs when this sort of thing happens.”

“As opposed to a few feet away, in my dormitory?”

She ignored the teasing. “You forget, Potter. Head Boy and Girl get their own room.”

“Oh,” he chuckled. “Well, I’m down for that if you are.”

“All right,” Lily beamed. “But I’d prefer you sleep here tonight, since . . . well, you’re already in my room.”

James kicked off his shoes. “Just let me do an Engorgement Charm, please. I’ll roll right off this bed and kill you in the process.”

“Fine, but be careful.”

He tapped the side of the bed with his wand. They watched as it widened and stretched, almost reaching the far wall. With enough room to stretch his legs, he relaxed.

“Might as well get these clothes off,” he said brightly. “To be comfortable, of course.”

“Agreed.”

The two shucked off their clothes and tugged the blanket upward. Lily took the time to peek underneath it, wondering if they had enough strength to keep their hands off each other until fall. James slid an arm around her, one hand pressed flat against her skin. She resisted the urge to push it lower.

“Night, Lily.”

“Goodnight, James.”

———

Morning arrived in the form of an inhuman shriek. Groaning, James rolled over, away from the noise. Lily leapt out of bed, threw on a robe, and ran down the stairs.

The source of the screaming was Petunia, who must have just arrived home. The boys were standing behind the coffee table, looking dumbfounded. If her sister didn’t look so livid, Lily might have laughed.

“What’s going on here?”

“This bird is crazy,” Sirius muttered, lowering his wand. “Comes flying in and screaming at us.”

Petunia turned purple. “Excuse me? Lily, who are these people?”

“Calm down, Tuney, they’re friends from school. This is Sirius, Re—”

“I don’t care!” she snapped. “Just get them out of here!”

“What the _hell_ is all the racket about?”

James had stormed down the stairs, pulling on a pair of drawstring pants. Even a preteen could have connected the dots.

While the boys howled with laughter, Petunia turned, if possible, even darker. “Who are _you_?”

Lily fumbled at the neckline of her robe, mortified. “Another friend. James, go get dressed.”

He shrugged, made a rude gesture at the rest of the Marauders, and went back upstairs. Petunia seized her sister by the arm and dragged her into the kitchen.

“What the hell, Lily?” she hissed. “You invite all these _freaks_ without my permission—while our parents are _away_ —and then sleep with one of them?”

“We didn’t—”

“Vernon is coming over today for brunch, along with _my boss_. Get them out of here and see yourself out, too.”

“This is my house as well as yours!” said Lily angrily. The living room had become very quiet.

“Until you go back to school,” her sister snarled. “Which can’t come fast enough, in my opinion.”

“Tuney, please—”

“No!”

Petunia brushed past her and dashed up the staircase. Lily stood there dejectedly, wincing as a door slammed above them.

“Clearly,” Sirius started. “You inherited all the good genes.”

Remus smacked him upside the head.

———

“It’ll be great, Lily. Promise.”

Lily took one last look at the little house, the Cokeworth house, her childhood home. It was bland and unchanging, as always. Her throat felt tight.

After Petunia’s outburst, Lily had silently ascended the stairs, dressed, and packed a bag. She cast a charm to protect her room until she returned to it, then joined the Marauders in the living room.

“Stay with us,” James had pleaded, though she didn’t need any convincing. There were still three weeks left in the holiday. She could spend a fortnight with her friends, then go home to see her parents before she left for school.

Her sister had flounced down the stairs, newly coiffed. Ignoring the wizards nearby, she set to work cleaning up. Lily felt a new pang in her heart in that moment, knowing that Petunia wasn’t going to say goodbye, wish her well, or talk to her before she left.

There were tears in her voice. “Where will we go? What will we do?”

“Be vagabonds.”

“Paint the town red.”

“Take a sad song and make it better.”

“Fly my motorcycle.”

The five of them stood now on the shore of Three Cliffs Bay, staring into the choppy water. As if they shared the same thought, they dropped their things and dashed into the surf, screaming.

Lily slipped beneath the surface and closed her eyes. The room in Cokeworth may have been small, but the world beyond it was endless. She had long outgrown her childhood home, and it was time to spread her wings.

She sensed James before she saw him. They held on to one another, keeping themselves afloat. Lily could taste saltwater on his lips.

He felt like home.


End file.
